Promises. We all make them. We promise our parents, bosses, significant others, and even our children. We make promises to almost everyone in life. And we all know, when you make a promise, you should do all you can to keep that promise.
Then, we set goals for ourselves. We have a weight goal, a reading goal, a workout goal, a travel goal. We set goals and work toward them. But if we don't reach them, we brush it off as 'okay.' It is okay that you don't reach your goal, as long as you tried. Right? But what if you changed your mindset? What if, instead of goals, you make promises? Because, when you make a promise, you do everything in your power to keep it. So, imagine the goals you set became promises kept? Those last five pounds you want to lose - that you set a goal to eat better and workout so you can drop them - could be lost if you promise yourself you WILL lose them? Those books you want to read - you promise yourself you will read two chapters a day... and so forth and so on. Imagine if we made promises to ourselves, like you do others, and you KEEP them! All those things you can accomplish because you don't want to break your word to yourself. A few things you can try: 1) Set a bedtime routine, and a wake-up routine. Promise yourself you will stick to them. 2) Promise yourself you will eat less of ___________ and more ______________. 3) Promise yourself you will take a walk/workout/stretch/do Yoga for ______________ minutes a day... and do that! 4) Promise yourself to put work aside at a set tie each day, and do that. 5) Promise _____________ 6) Promise _____________ I think you get it, right? So, don't leave yourself out when it comes to promises. And if you are struggling to reach those goals (finding excuses to not work toward them) then try transforming them to promises to yourself. I have begun to do this and have kept my word to myself more than I have reached goals previously set. YOU are just as important to keep your word to as everyone else. YOU matter. YOU are valuable. YOU are loved. YOU are someone else's goal. So, take care of yourself!
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I have been doing a lot of thinking during my FB enforced hiatus from Facebook. And what I have realized is just how much time we (the human race) spends trying to give the impression our lives are perfect, sharing every little thing (drama, joy, etc.), and otherwise posting to social media. We give our social media presence so much priority over the relationships we have in real life. We struggle to create this persona that, for many (not all) is what we want to be rather than who we truly are. We allow the little dramas we read about to become our dramas. The fight we witness between others on social media become our fights. We allow social media to become our new lives and, oftentimes, our real lives are neglected. Forgotten. We work so hard to please people we don't know that we become people our loved ones no longer recognize. And that is heartbreaking. I have realized that FB does not sell my books. And, being an author, that is part of my "job" - selling my books. I realized that I LOVE my life! And, I have reconnected with me again. I kept saying how much time flies and how quickly my boys are growing up, but over the last two weeks, I have not missed a moment in favor of being on social media. It is refreshing to not be tied to the next "brilliant" post or to worry about stats and whether my outreach has met a level that experts consider "successful." And, I have readers emailing me, saying they read my book and are looking forward to the next release (which is coming). I am able to LISTEN more, and truly hear from my readers because the noise of FB and the worries associated are no longer drowning out the sounds and sights of my life. I am able to think again, and focus on my writing. And while I miss my friends on FB, those who care have reached out in other ways, ways I can see and hear. And I love that! I am still fighting to get back on FB. My author page is not active because FB is not allowing anyone to post on my behalf. But I promise I am fighting, and, hopefully, I will be back soon. But, in the meantime, you can reach out to me via email or Twitter, Instagram, or here on my website. Thank you, all, for your continued support! Love, hugs, and wishes for a beautiful day to you all. Have you ever been wronged? Oh, silly me. Of course you have! We all have, right? I mean, how many of us have had a bf/gf break up with us for our "best friend", or, better yet, cheat on us? I know I have. (I was called a prude in high school... pfft.) But, how quickly did you forgive the person? Did it take a long time? Did the wrong fester to the point you were beyond the ability to forgive and on the brink of wanting to seek revenge? I mean, let's face it, we have all wanted revenge. A cheating boyfriend/girlfriend (have I mentioned it happened to me?), someone does something to hurt your child (in which case, I would definitely want to play the part of Karma), a friend stabs you in the back - it was absolutely that way in high school and my early twenties. I remember telling people I would never forgive them, but I did. I forgave (not always forgot)... for me. I do not like holding grudges. I do get angry, and am quick to action (especially to defend myself or a loved one - or to stand up for what I feel is right), but I forgive a wrong done to me even if I never receive an apology from a person. I feel better, happier. Lighter. I feel more content without the weight of a grudge on my shoulders. A grudge is a heavy burden to bear. What about you? Do you forgive for the same reasons I do? Or, do you hold a grudge (I wouldn't blame you)? Are you quick to forgive? What about forgetting? The reason I ask is because I am currently reading 'Sweet As Honey' and it deals with the subject of forgiveness (it is an Amish romance novel by Jennifer Beckstrand) of a wrong done while children and how one young woman struggles with the ability to forgive and forget (to move past it and see the person in a different light). In all honesty, the young man who wronged the young woman never realized (or meant) for the hurt. Funny how that happens, sometimes, eh? Sometimes, we feel wronged even if there was no intention of it... And sometimes those "wrongs" are a blessing in disguise, I think. And, I believe forgiveness is a personal thing and not always about the other person. It is about YOU. So, the next time someone does you a bad turn, think. Was it meant the way I felt it? And, should I forgive the person (with or without them asking for it) for me? Do I want to hold this grudge, or lessen my load by letting it go? There are many experiences in life when we experience an 'ah-ha' moment. For some, it is after a breakup. For others, it could be after reading a book, watching a movie, during a dream. For me, one of those moments occurred today while on the way to the doctor for my youngest son. The doctor's office is about twenty minutes away from our house, so I had a decent drive. And since my son wasn't feeling well, he fell asleep on the way and I was stuck with my own company. Sometimes, that can be downright scary! I mean, can you imagine the craziness going on in my head? Yikes! Anyway, I decided to turn the music off and relax some because I knew the visit was going to be a long one. I watched the vehicles and the patterns made me think of different lessons in life. Slow down. One way. Clusters and cliques. Passing friends. You get where I am going? Take, for instance, the bumper-rider. You know this person, or ARE this person. This person is the one who thinks they can force the vehicle in front of them to get out of their way simply by driving as close to them as possible. This oftentimes scares the driver in front and, sometimes they move over, other times, they slow down. This person, in my opinion, is a person who likes to be in charge. They are a leader. They don't enjoy being in someone else's shadow if they can help it. And there is nothing wrong with that... as long as you ARE doing that in life. If you aren't, if you are riding the bumper, so to speak, you will NEVER reach your goal when you want to. You are following someone else's path. YOU should move over and PASS the person in front. BE the person you were meant to be, the person you want to be, and stop "riding the bumper" of the person in front of you. Now, we will move to the follower. The person who would rather stay behind someone. Sometimes, they ride behind the semi-trucks. They want to be invisible. They take their time and don't mind having someone in front of them. These people make great teammates. They are supportive and encouraging (in my opinion). They will move out of the way when someone else is coming up fast. They feel their best when following someone. They don't ride the bumper, they live on the fumes (just a figure of speech). We all need someone like this in our life. Whether you are the leader or not, you do NEED support. One thing they both have in common: they are on the SAME road. They are just using different methods to reach their final destination. Do they both, eventually, arrive? Yes (almost always). Late or not, they get where they need/want to be. They just took a different approach. I realized, when on the road, I am a bit in between. I HATE when someone is in the "fast" lane and going the EXACT speed limit, or under it, when they could easily move over to allow others to "go with the flow" of traffic behind them. I also know my limit. I know I will NOT be doing 10 over. No. I will go 5 over. And when I see a car speeding up behind me, riding my bumper, I will move over, if it is safe to do so. I don't stay there, though. I eventually get back into the lane I feel the most comfortable in. That being said, we each need to recognize which of these people we are. Are we the bumper-rider, or the follower? Because, once you recognize your "type", it will be easier for you to take the steps you need to take to get you to your destination. 1) If you are a follower, begin moving over so you aren't holding anyone up. 2) If you are a bumper-rider, and the person holding you back isn't moving over, then YOU move over. It is safer for ALL when/if you do. Don't hold anyone back. Don't allow anyone else to hold you back. Recognize who you are. And take the actions you need to take to get where you NEED to be. NO MORE EXCUSES! This world is filled with enough people who will make them, don't be one of those people. We have all heard the famous breakup line, "It's not you, it's me." And, if we have heard it (or been the one to say it), we know to roll our eyes at the lie. It IS you. Whether it's the fact you no longer fit into the world the person is building, or you just don't qualify for the "job" - whatever the reason, it IS you. But there is nothing wrong with you. Yes, it hurts when you hear those words. You instantly know they are a lie. Of course there is something wrong with you if they don't want to be with you anymore, right? I mean, you must be too heavy/light, too big/small, too smart/ignorant, too tall/short, too blonde/redhead/brunette, too "this" and not enough "that." And you may wonder what the next person has that you didn't have. What are they giving/providing him/her that you didn't? Why are they taking them on vacations when they didn't even bother to take you to meet their parents? Why are they taking time off work to spend the weekend with them when they were never willing to leave early for you? The list really could go on and on with the whys and the why-nots. But you know what? You do not HAVE to fit into their plans. That is okay if you don't. You don't HAVE to meet the qualifications they are looking for anymore. You should create your own list of those. The reason it really IS you and not them is... you never were going to fit into their future. Their plans never changed. Their qualifications have been there, even if you never knew them. You were only temporary... for them. But, you will NOT be temporary for the person you were/are meant for. You will be their plan, not just fit into it. You WILL exceed each of the qualifications, not just a few. You WILL be everything and more to the person you are meant to be with. You just need a little patience. But, regardless of all those questions and doubts, the MOST important thing you MUST remember is to have your own plan and qualifications for yourself... and meet them. Be a whole person without another. Be your own whole picture and not just a piece in another's puzzle. Because, when you are that, and you meet another person who is their own whole picture, imagine what kind of world you can create together. With the right person. When you let go of the questions and doubts those words, "It's not you, it's me," trigger. Because those words are lies, and you don't want to live with that. It IS you. and YOU deserve so much more. I am sure you have heard that our group, The Nu Romantics, is a year old now. And boy, what a year it has been! It wasn't until the planning of the one year celebration that I realized where we started and how far we have come, as individuals and as a group. Day-to-day, I didn't realize all our group does, but upon reflection, I realized we do a LOT! To give you an idea, here are some of our features: Share Anything Sunday Kinky Korner NuRCinephilia MakeMeRead Tuesday Tips Empath/Tune Tuesday Seb's Wide-Open Wicked Wednesday Book Corner Thrilling Thursday Thursday Blog Share Thoughtful-Edit Thursday FreeForAll Friday Micro Short Friday Celebrate Saturday with L.A.P.H. (Literature, Art, Photography, History) NuRHorizons Poetry Live Writes Author Spotlights Paired Live Writes Open Posting for Poetry... See? I told you it was a lot. And that isn't even everything we have done. That is just the list for what we currently offer in the group. But one thing you need to know is, even with all the features and the membership numbers, the most important thing our group offers is support. We lift one another up, encourage each other, and we GROW! As people, as artists, and as a group -- romantics. You really can't find another place to compare to that. Yes, some have come and gone because Nu Romantics wasn't what they were looking for... yet. Some have returned to us. But, there are so many incredibly talented people (some share their talent with us daily while others are still hiding their skills) who have stayed and helped us become what we are... and are moving forward with us to where we will be next year and the year after, and the year after. Now, after sharing with you just how great Nu Romantics is, I want to get a little personal and tell you what is means to me, and where we started... If you know me, or have read my blogs, then you know my story. So I will not rehash all of it. I will just say that I am working on myself every single day. And each day, I feel better, stronger, and grow more confident. They say you need a tough skin to be out there, and I am working on conditioning mine. Three years ago now (early 2015), I was approached by a person on Twitter who said they were starting a website featuring indie authors. The person asked me if I would allow them to feature my work, excerpts, short stories, bio. I said yeah. Why not, right? Anything to spread the word and get my work out there (that is a story for another day). Well, a few months after having my first story featured on the person's website, they started a group on Twitter. A writing group, so to speak. There were just a handful of us "unknowns." We came from different walks, different levels of experience, but with a combined goal to support each other and help get the word out. Over the course of a year, more and more writers (some published, some not) were added to this group. And like with any group, there were those who decided to move on while others stayed. It was in this group where I connected more with Rosemary O'Brien. I had chatted with her prior to joining this group (she even approached me to ask my thoughts on the group when the person running it asked her to join), but it wasn't until she joined that I really got to know the beautiful, sensitive, talented person she is. She quickly became one of my best friends in that group (she still is). There were a few of us who strengthened our bonds of friendship because of this group, and that is the reason I can't regret my time there. It was also through this group that I met Mystk Knight (Sherry White). I should say, first, it was via or mutual love of Shibari that we connected, and we got to know each other even better once she was brought into our fold. Mystk is one incredible woman (I HAD to share that). Some of you may know which group I am referring to. Many of you have been with us almost since the beginning of our time there. And for that, I love you and am so grateful for you and your support and friendship. Back to the story... After over a year of this group growing and adding more and more people, the safety, security, and the closeness and support we all once felt began to dwindle. It began to feel like less and less of a support group (as it was in the beginning) and turned to more of, well... I will refrain from stating what I felt it turned into. Rosemary writes beautiful blog posts, and I am sure you have read a few, but she wrote one that connected with many, many people. And that blog post was what inspired a few of us to brainstorm ideas for a group of our own. A group that was truly a support group for everyone, not just one or two people in the group. We wanted a place where people could feel comfortable and everyone was on level with one another, where we could change the opinion people had of what erotic and romance were. We wanted to show the world that those two elements are part of life every day! Because art is subjective, right? So, Sherry, Rosemary, myself, and our other bestie shot around a few ideas. We detailed what we thought we loved about the group we started in, and what we were lacking in that group. We came up with ideas to include everyone, and to help people grow and find their strengths and talents. We combined our love of romance, eroticism, writing, music, and history to design daily posts celebrating each of those. Then, we came up with our mission - our goal. We outlined our expectations and plans. Next came our name. That was also inspired by music (another form of art). You may have heard of the song by Taylor Swift. LOL And the final piece: Starting the group! We didn't exactly plan which day, and we kept procrastinating when to open ours and make our exit from the other group. Needless to say, due to circumstances we didn't foresee, that decision to leave the other group happened on their own when the founder of that group got word of what we were planning, stating our group was a conflict of interest... So, each of us posted our goodbyes, thanking fellow members for their support and offering our continued friendship to them. And you know what? That friendship is still there for so many of us! That is what happens when people put their love of the written word, their love of art, above personal feelings. You find like-minded people who enjoy seeing others succeed... and that is what my friends do. They succeed, they support, and they love. Within a week of that happening (the exit), we officially opened up the Nu Romantics! We started small, but have grown over the year. We have added people to our admin team because we just couldn't keep up with our daily lives and the responsibilities of the group (we have Facebook, G+, Twitter, Medium, Instagram, and a website). We love having that be the problem, too! It means we have met even more people who love what we do! I look forward to reading, listening, and seeing everything everyone shares in the group. I love the fact that, no matter what my emotional state, I can find something in there to connect with. Whether I am happy, feeling sorry for myself, lacking in confidence, feel like crying -- no matter what I am feeling, there is someone there who is feeling it, too! I am never alone when I am browsing the Nu Romantics. And for that, I love each of you and appreciate you. I am so excited to have started such an amazing group with my best friends. I am grateful for all the friends I have made along our journey. This past year was only the first of many, many amazing years to come! Thank you, ALL, for walking this road with us, and for making the Nu Romantics what it is. (I share with you a video from YouTube) When I was younger, and even now, women and men did their best to hide their flaws. They wear makeup, tan, wear long-sleeved shirts, pants in warm seasons, and dye their hair to hide the natural fading color as they age. Women and men apply lotions and creams to prevent wrinkles, looking for another way to hold on to their youth. And scars? Well, those could "fade" with the right serum, right? And those are only the physical. How about the emotional or mental "scars" and imperfections? A broken heart, emotional abuse, self-doubt - those are hidden behind humor and smiles. It is almost an art form the way so many perfect the ability to close themselves off to the world and hide behind that curtain/wall they have designed to protect themselves from further damage. I know this, because I do this myself. While I have written about my life and the things I have endured in my blog in posts like Confidence and Priceless, I still struggle with my own self-preservation needs. But, I have begun to rethink those methods we all use. In the news, daily, it seems, I hear or read of another young child or teen who thought suicide was the way out. They decided to end their precious lives (their way of dealing with the "imperfections" and "flaws") to stop the hateful torment they endured. They didn't yet experience (and neither will we ever) the great things they could have or would have done. And that breaks my heart even more because what one person sees as bad, another sees as great. What one person sees as their negative characteristic, another person would love to have. "One man's trash is another man's treasure." -- right? Well, I am sure you have seen those posts going around on social media speaking of the Japanese belief that if something is broken, it doesn't lose its value and is not tossed out, rather, it is repaired using precious metals such as gold or silver to repair, put back together, and is thought as valuable and part of the object's history. This art form is called Kintsugi. And those posts, and reading the details of Kintsugi, I realized we thought wrong. We teach our kids wrong. We are doing a great disservice to the young people by covering and hiding. We should be teaching them to embrace those scars, talk about the heartache, and trust, love, and appreciate themselves and their journey because everything they are going through (everything we have gone through) only adds knowledge, richness, and value to each of us. We are valuable. Our journey is a testament to survival. Our stories are lessons that can be passed down. Our scars speak of all those, whether physical or emotional, and those are important to who we are. We need to shine! I want to shine. I don't want to be so bright that I blind people... I just want to shine enough to help them find their way. And that is why I want to be broken. Those are the reasons I am okay with my scars, flaws, and imperfections... because to someone, somewhere, they can be a lesson. They are part of my story. Ah. That word: confidence. It embodies so many things and carries a load of emotions for me. And I know it does for so many others. But, it is not a characteristic that is easy to come by. It is not something many are born with. And why? Why do so many people lack that confidence, or self -esteem? I am someone who suffers from a lack of it. Yeah. I know. I have heard it before, believe me. But, I still can’t help it. And I know I am not alone. Am I? When people look at us, they see one thing but we feel another. They see our hair, and we know the torture we put ourselves through to make it look “just right”. I mean, with all the changing trends — washing your hair every other day, or three times a week, to the shampoo and conditioners to use. And that doesn’t include the products for styling — heat gel, leave-in conditioner, dry shampoo, styling gel, hairspray, etc. While I do not use close to that number, I know all about them. And the tools — straighteners, curling irons, hair dryers, etc. We mustn’t forget those! And now, onto makeup. The hours so many take to look like they aren’t wearing any makeup. The primers, foundations, concealers, powders, highlighters, bronzers, translucent powders, liners, mascaras, lipsticks/lip glosses, shadows, etc. I mean, I could continue on for a while and still not mention everything that could be used to cover beautiful skin so it looks like our “natural” skin. You think I am making this up? I’m not. Gorgeous men and women take hours upon hours to cover themselves up to create a “no makeup” makeup look. Now, I enjoy wearing makeup. I do this because I am far from confident. The people creating these looks and sharing them in videos are stunning without the products, and have the confidence I can only dream of with or without the “stuff”. I wear it to help me feel more comfortable leaving my house. I wear the foundation and concealer, mascara and lip gloss, as a mask. I don’t cake it on, I try to make it look more natural, but I still wear it for that reason. I hide behind a smile. I cover myself up. I close myself off to the world but hope and pray that my personality will allow me to shine and make friends. It has always been that way regardless of what people tell me. No matter the compliments they pay, I still manage to persuade myself into knowing they are only saying those things because they are being nice. And they are. Nice, that is. But, I still don’t believe them. I smile and laugh even when I feel like a loser inside. I talk to everyone even though I am shy. I put on a front, but when I am home, away from the outside world, I struggle with self doubt. I try to make myself believe what I want others to believe about themselves. I try to make myself believe I am worth something, that the world doesn’t dictate if I am beautiful or of value. And I know I am not alone in these feelings of low self-esteem. I know there are others out there who struggle with knowing and feeling they are worth something. There are men and woman out there who, while absolutely gorgeous, don’t feel it. They do not believe it. They do not trust what they hear because what they see of themselves, what they think of themselves is so much louder than what they hear from others. I try to use my social media platforms to inspire people to believe in themselves. I try to share with people a part of myself. I tell them they are beautiful and worth more than they think. I tell them they shouldn’t let the world dictate who they should be, how they should look, or what they should feel. They are beautiful. I believe that. And yes, “actions speak louder than words” and when people treat you with kindness and show you, not just tell you, they think you are a beautiful person, or an intelligent person, or a sweet person, you should believe them and trust them. But it is not always easy. So, I guess that is where the truth lies… People who lack confidence; people who lack self-esteem — they are people who do not trust easily. I should know. I am one of them. And I know I am not alone. For those who know me, you know how much I love music and dancing. I love a variety of genres - anything that gets me on my feet and moving. From the time I was a little girl, music has always spoken to me. And I believe one way to express my feelings and the way music touches me is through dancing. It is one of the reasons I loved being a cheerleader when I was in middle school and high school.
But, dancing wasn't always something I have been able to do, which is why I cherish the ability to do so. As a matter of fact, when I was nine-years-old, I was told I would be in a wheelchair before I was a teenager. Imagine the one thing you love with all your heart. The one thing you do, that you have a passion for. Now, imagine being told by a doctor that you would never be able to do it again. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Lost? Empty? Hopeless? Well, I felt those things. I was nine and my doctor told us that within the next few years my bones and muscles in my lower back and legs would begin to weaken to the point I would be wheelchair bound. I remember walking out of the hospital after meeting with the doctor and stopping by the payphone near the exit so my mom, who was distraught, could call my dad. I watched her sob the news into the phone. Then, I remember a calm coming over me as I walked over to her, grabbed her hand, and told her (I remember this word-for-word), "Don't worry, Mom. Between me, you, and God, we can get through this." I had been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. I began a heavy round of medications to help with strengthening - one for my muscles, one filled with calcium for my bones, one for pain because the pain was so bad, and one that was a vitamin. I took almost four pills three times each day. When I was eleven-years-old, I told my mom that the side effects of my medicine were too much. They nauseated me, made me dizzy and tired. She decided to stop the medications. I then began middle school - 6th grade. I loved school. Science and Math were my favorite subjects, along with English. I was placed in AP classes for those subjects and excelled. Near the end of that year, I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. In my school, the cheerleaders were the dance and cheer team all in one. I attended the meeting, learned the cheer/chant and the dance. We practiced every day after school so we could get them down before tryouts in front of the judges that Friday. Friday came, and even though I was in pain, I stated after school. Before I was called in for my "audition," my mom took me aside (she was always my biggest supporter, fan, and cheerleader), and told me that she was proud of me. She explained that out of all the girls trying out, only 10 would make the team so if I didn't make it, it didn't mean I wasn't good. It just meant that there were others who may be louder than I was and that was okay. I went in, shaking, heart pounding, hands sweating, knees and hips throbbing, and performed my cheer. Then the dance, followed by the mandatory back-handspring, roundoff, and splits. After all the girls tried out, we were called in as a group as they gave the speech about how proud they were of all of us, how great we were, and then they called out the names of the girls who made the team for the following year. My name was called. But none of my friends' names were. I walked out of the room in tears and my mom mistook them for me not making the team. I told her it was because my friends didn't make it with me. But that was okay. I made new friends in those girls on the squad. I tried out the following year, and made it. When I was in 8th grade, I tried out for high school cheerleading, and make the Varsity squad coming in as a Freshman cheerleader. But, the one thing that didn't happen was me ending up in a wheelchair. My muscles didn't weaken. My bones grew stronger. I still had to go back ever few months for appointments with my doctors. I still had to undergo tests to track my progress. I had biopsies for various health-related issues. But, I didn't end up in a wheelchair. I'm still not in one. As a matter-of-fact, those words I spoke to my mom in the hospital that summer day when I was nine-years-old were more true than I knew at the time, because when I was 18-years-old, my doctors told me my body was not showing any signs or symptoms of MD. None at all. I joined the US Navy. I went through Bootcamp, but received an injury that resulted in reconstructive foot surgery on both of my feet and weeks of recovery for each one. I had to learn how to take my time walking again. It took about a year before I was back to "normal." It took another six months before I could get back to the one thing I loved: dancing. I guess the point of this post is that we should never give up hope. We should always move on, keep walking our path regardless of the obstacles that are thrown our way. We may miss out on something great if we give up at the first sign of trouble. I would never have those memories of being a cheerleader if I had lost hope and given up when I was diagnosed. Don't miss out on creating memories. Don't miss out on living your life. Reviews.
Ah, yes. The dreaded, loved, anticipated, confusing review. You’ve noticed them all over Amazon and other major book retailers. You have seen authors asking, begging, you for them. You have read raving reviews and some not so flattering ones. But you probably don’t fully understand the importance of them. Right? I mean, it’s only a review. What’s the big deal? Well, that word ‘only’ doesn’t fit. Because reviews are a HUGE deal! If you are anything like the millions of readers out there, myself included, then you want to get an idea of what a book is about from someone who has actually read the thing, right? I mean, book descriptions only tell you what the author wants you to know. But, as an author myself, I know the descriptions only tell you the best part of the story leaving in your mind just enough of a tease to hopefully entice you to buy the book and read it. You wouldn’t want to do that if the blurb told the entire thing, right? You want to know what other people thought of the book; get an idea of what the characters are like, the storyline, the scenarios, etc. Was the story detailed? Fast-paced? Were the characters fleshed out? Was it edited properly, or were there errors in the grammar that detract from the story? All of those answers are often found in the reviews. But did you know that reviews help the author, too? So, if you have a favorite author you absolutely LOVE, and you think other people NEED to read their work, the best way to do that (or help entice readers) is by leaving a review. Or, if you really didn’t care much, you can do the opposite. It really is up to you. Think of a review as your personal endorsement of the story. In your review you can be as honest as you’d like. Actually, the more honest, the better. Tell people what it is about the story you loved or didn’t care for. Tell them if you enjoyed the length or wanted more. Did you enjoy the author’s writing and would you read more of their work? Well, tell potential readers that. If you, as a guy, test drove a new car that you feel you’d like to buy, you would probably tell your buddies about it, right? Or, if the car was awful; the interior cheaply put together, the shifting of gears too hard, steering too tight, you’d warn your friends away. Or, if you, a woman, found a new store/make-up brand/purse, you would most definitely tell all your girlfriends how much they need them too, right? Or, if you tried a new brand that didn’t work. Either their sizing was terrible, the foundation set into the creases of your face, the purse stitching was coming apart too soon, you’d tell them to stay away. That face-to-face word-of-mouth is your review of the product. The different is that on Amazon or any other retailer, you are able to reach a much larger audience with your opinion. So, let’s get into the why’s and how-to’s, shall we? First, why? Well, because we all love to express our opinions, right? Not only that, but if you are a huge fan of the author then you’d like to see them become successful or stay a success. The more reviews a book has on any major retailer, the better the chances that retailer’s algorithm will recommend that book to their customers. You ever notice the recommended sections when browsing for books? Or on the results page when you search for a specific topic? The most reviewed books usually show up first, guaranteeing that people searching for that topic will see those books. The online book retailers see more people not only reading but also reviewing those books so they must be worth promoting, right? So they think, with the book(s) being popular, that you may also enjoy it. They make sure you see that book. You see the book, check out the reviews, and decide to buy it yourself. Wham! Not only does that author make some money, so does the retailer. You see, the more popular books are the more the retailer stands to make, so they will do what they can to showcase those they feel (or their algorithms decide) are possibly the ones to guarantee business. A great article I found to further explain this is Why Reviews Matter by K.S. Brooks. Secondly, how? It really is simple, trust me. And you can do this all anonymously as well, especially on Amazon since they allow you to create a screen name, so to speak, for your public profile. Mine is A. Shades. Not so anonymous, but you get the idea, right? Anyway, often, when you have reached the end of an ebook, your Kindle may show you a pop-up asking if you would like to review the product on Amazon (some even have the feature where you can link it to Goodreads as well so you kill 2 birds with 1 stone). Well, when that option comes up, you would follow those instructions. Usually it begins with giving it a star rating and then you are prompted to write a review and giving it a title or tag line. The second way would be to go to the product/book page on Amazon manually and at the bottom where it shows the reviews, there is a section that gives you the option to write a review and share your thoughts. Now, don’t get intimidated. It is pretty easy. And you don’t even have to say much, if you choose not to. A short and simple, “Loved the story!” or a, “Didn’t care for the story.” Both work. You let potential readers know your thoughts and you helped the author in the search algorithms. For a more in-depth tutorial on leaving a review and how, I found this article, Reviewing 101 by Big Al helpful. Lastly, by leaving a review, you aid your favorite author in their chances of being accepted by other author promotional platforms such as BookBub. BookBub and others like it, have an incredible following of people who sign up to receive their recommendations. For an author, receiving an email of acceptance is into this “club” is HUGE as they only accept those they feel meet strict guidelines. The following is a snippet from BookBub’s website: “While there is no specific “minimum requirement” for reviews, our editors are generally more likely to select books with higher numbers of authentic and positive customer reviews.” So you see, they may not specify a number, but they do recommend the author have a considerable number of reviews to make the book seem more “authentic”. To give you more of an idea of what BookBub is looking for, you may find this article helpful. Tips on Optimizing Your Submission for a BookBub Featured Deal. I hope you have found my thoughts, ideas, and reasons on reviews helpful. I encourage you to consider leaving a review (always an honest one) for the books you read from now on. As you probably know, Ashlee Shades is a pen name for my work. But behind the name is a very real person – a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I have goals and dreams. I have emotions and feel deeply. And one of those things I feel deeply about it the awareness of Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Why do I feel so much for this cause, you ask? Because my youngest son has been living with it since he was young, and diagnosed when he was almost 4. You see, if you grew up as I did then you probably have a vision you think of when you think Autism: a person who doesn’t speak and can’t do anything for themselves. But I have to let you know that Autism & ASD go so far beyond what you see. I didn’t know it until my child became one of those statistics. You know, that time when “It will never happen to me” actually does happen? Below, I will share with you my personal story and experience with this well heard of but still little known of “disorder”. I became a mom when I was 22 years old to a beautiful baby boy. As he grew, I celebrated all those milestones as he met them: first word, first step, first time sitting up without assistance. He met them all before the “average” age. He was so very smart and energetic. When he was just over 18 months old I found out I was expecting my second child. My youngest came into this world on a chilly late afternoon in mid October 2005. My youngest son was also meeting all those major milestones, but at a later age than my oldest did but well within what the physicians deemed as the average age range. He said “mama” for the first time on Mother’s Day 2006. Talk about exciting! I was a proud mom of two amazing little boys. (Now, I am a proud mom of two amazing young men). They were and are my life. One day, ‘S’ (my youngest) stopped making eye contact. He was around 2 years old at the time, and no matter how many times I said his name he just wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He would look in my general direction, so I knew he was hearing me, but the eye contact was gone. I overlooked this and brushed it off as par for the course for a two-year-old. Then ‘S’ stopped playing as he used to and instead, he began organizing his toys – usually the little box cars and mega Lego blocks. He would line them up according to size, shape, and color. And don’t you DARE touch it or you would ignite a tantrum like you’d never seen. Later, this organization trickled to his food. He stopped eating foods that had any seasoning other than salt, and even then it was the same thing: chicken with pasta. I had to vary the way the chicken was made, but it was always seasoned the same and the pasta could NEVER have anything other than a bit of butter with salt, or he would not touch it AT ALL. ‘S’ also refused to eat on any plate that was not his green section plate; and he would not use anything other than the matching bowl if he ever ate soup (rarity) and cereal (another rarity). ‘S’, around the age of three, stopped talking in full sentences. By this time, I knew something was going on. Not only did he stopped speaking in sentences, he also covered his ears with loud sounds, ran away from butterflies, and would not go outside if a lawnmower was in use anywhere within hearing. I knew it was time to seek advice from our family doctor who then referred me to a pediatric psychiatrist. After rounds of testing (If your toddler has never had an MRI, let me tell you it is one of the worst things to have to watch as they prep them), there was a diagnosis. Ready for it? Idiopathic Autism Regression. In layman’s terms: Autism without a known cause or explanation that occurs “out of nowhere”. I remember that day in July 2009, driving home with my mom in the front passenger seat and ‘S’ sleeping in his booster seat in the back. I was crying, feeling like I had failed my child. He lost his ability to communicate with me. How long had he been “trapped” within his own mind? How long had he been feeling lost because he couldn’t express his feelings to me like he used to and was therefore assumed to not have them? I was a terrible mother! But that day changed my life for the better. It forced me to open my eyes to a world farther reaching than the small little box I assumed it was – that it WAS for me, until July 13, 2009. That was the day that my mom’s words of “The world isn’t so black and white,” actually hit me. The world is a rainbow. The people in it make up the full picture. Without the variety of personalities then rainbow would not be the vision it truly is. So, with that diagnosis in mind I began my quest for knowledge. You have probably heard the statistics of 1 in 66 will be diagnosed and that boys are more likely to be diagnosed with an ASD than girls. You have probably also heard the controversy over whether science has or has not linked ASD with vaccinations. But what you do not hear of as often, what many forget to realize and understand is that my son isn’t science, he isn’t a statistic, he is a very bright, exceedingly intelligent, passionate, caring young man who loves animals, the world, and art. ‘S’ may not have had the ability to make personal connections and develop friendships when he was younger as many kids do, which excluded him from many play dates, but he was advanced with math, reading, language arts – he was at 4th and 5th grade levels at the end of 1st grade. He may not have played kickball at recess in elementary school, but he wrote short stories and drew pictures that were displayed in galleries and in school shows. He may not have been able to communicate verbally, but he managed to express all of his feelings through art, which speaks to so many on a deeper level than words ever could. ‘S’ hated taking a different route to school. I always had to take the same roads, leave at the same time, and park in the same general area every time I took him to school. ‘S’ did not see the sense in starting in the fresh foods section of the store and working our way to the checkout lanes from there because to him, the food would not stay as fresh according to him, so I changed my shopping routine (which does make more sense, right?). I could stay here for days, weeks, sharing stories with you about how ASD has affected us, how it has changed us, but I won’t. I will, however, share with you a few things: it is not a “life-sentence”. Not ALL people with an ASD will be the same any more than you or I without an ASD are. They will not express themselves in the same, but then again, neither do you or I. They do like patience. They do like acceptance. They do deserve them, just as you or I would like and want and deserve. The day my son received that diagnosis changed our lives, yes. But it was only for the better. Because that was the day that, while we had long road ahead of us with educating ourselves and growing as people, we had our eyes and hearts opened to the bigger picture this world is. And while I have been blessed with many beautiful people in our lives who have helped us in our journey and made it smoother, not everyone is as lucky. Not all cases of ASD are a “high functioning” as my son’s case is. Many parents have a harder struggle, not just in receiving a diagnosis – fighting for theirs - but also in educating themselves with what it means and learning where to go. And while science has done much in the way of finding out possible causes, there is NO CURE for this, yet. There are treatments, however. But in my opinion, a “cure” is not what is needed most. What is needed most is more caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient people who are willing to understand and accept that this world is bigger than they are and not everyone fits in the “normal” or “average” box; and that what society deems as “the way” is NOT the ONLY WAY. The world is a rainbow, people, and I am blessed to be the mother of two children who make up a portion of that beautiful gift from nature. For more information on Autism/ASD and how you can help, please visit AUTISM SPEAKS. When you look at the picture to the left, what do you see? Do you see the white froth of the waves as they crash into the sandy beach? Do you see the beautiful color in the sky as the sun's light graces it? Do you see the vivid blue-green color of the ocean, the waves rippling toward the land? Do you see the light brown color of the sand on the beach lying in wait for the water to make contact? You probably notice all of those things. Our eyes are pretty much trained to see things like that in a picture. From one corner to the next, from side to side, we see the various colors and shapes and details... But we notice only what is on the surface. We don't normally take into consideration the things beneath the surface. We don't think of the sea life, the colors, the treasures that are living just beneath the top surface of the ocean - the things that are not shown in this picture. We are the same with life outside a picture. We see a person - adult or child - and make assumptions about them based on what we see. Their clothes, their hygiene, who they surround themselves with - all those things influence our opinion. Many times our assumptions are wrong. Many times a person who is dressed in scrubby clothing, dirt on their face, and messed up hair has just finished working and is heading home to their hundreds of thousands of dollars in value house. Sometimes that young woman who is eight months pregnant is not a promiscuous teen mom-to-be but rather, she is a victim of rape and is carrying the child to term because she wants to love that baby. There are times the person who is acting grumpy has been up all night long with a sick child and is worried about that child. Each of us is made up of many shades beneath our surface. We are more than the clothes we wear. We are worth more than a surface judgment. There are reasons for everything we do. And there are reasons for what others look like, act like, and the way they speak. You do not have to understand their reasons in order to accept they have them just as there are reasons for your own behavior they do not have to understand in order to accept. We are human beings with feeling, emotions, and thoughts that vary in depth. What one person finds joy in another may feel apprehension - that is okay! So before you make your next judgment about someone based on surface appearance, I challenge you to take a moment to think of what they are hiding "beneath the surface". The world is filled with people who talk before thinking or act without thought of consequence. There are people who honestly, truly believe they are better than others. They accept all praise as if it were their due, commanding it with their actions. They boast of how intelligent they are. They take every chance they get to inform the rest of us lowly people how much better than us they are. They condemn the "dummies" for their lack of perceived intelligence and find humor and joy in cutting others down; belittling people, making them feel they are not worth much. I have been told time and again, not always in words, but in actions and behavior of others, that I am stupid... or dumb. My writing (YES, I am a writer, regardless of the genre in which I write. My friend, R.B. O'Brien wrote a great blog post about the topic of writing, what makes a writer, and the stereotypes erotica authors deal with. You can read it HERE) doesn't always contain large words. I may use the word foe instead of antagonist when describing a character. I say friendly in place of amicable. I say someone is persistent rather than saying they are assiduous. I think you get the picture. Or should I say: I believe you have a precise understanding of the point I am attempting to impress upon you? I do not always read novels. I never completed college (I attended real estate school and became a licensed realtor at the age of twenty). So I do not have a Ph. D. I haven't traveled the world. I have only been to a few countries. Does all that make me ignorant? My I.Q. was tested when I was younger and I was labeled a "genius". I graduated high school early. I was in the Honors Society and was a student ambassador when I was a sophomore in high school. I made the Spelling Bee finals in elementary. I have a love of learning and seek to educate myself in something new every day. Do those things make me intelligent? Let's go based on a brief definition: Intelligent: having or showing intelligence, especially of a high level. Well then, there you go! According to that, I am intelligent. But hold on. Let's look at the other word: Ignorant: lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated. Then it adds this for the word ignorant: lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular. So, according to part of that "definition", I am ignorant, in a way. And in all honesty, we are all a little bit ignorant because we all lack knowledge of something. Right? So, am I ignorant? Yes. But I am also intelligent. And guess what? You are both, too! So you can come off whatever high horse, or pedestal you may have put yourself on if you go around calling people ignorant, or stupid while showcasing an air of superiority... because you ain't all that. And STOP putting yourself down, thinking too little of yourself, not giving yourself enough credit for what you do know... because you may just be a lot smarter than you knew. Using large words doesn't make you any more intelligent than another person just because it shows you may possibly have the use of a thesaurus... and using simple, easy-to-understand phrases doesn't make you ignorant. It all boils down to knowledge. And in that case, we are all intelligent in many areas just as we are ignorant in others. Be careful who you label, and when. You may just show your intelligence... or ignorance. Turning on the radio, TV, computer, whatever it is you listen to or watch, you really cannot do so without hearing about the Presidential Election for the US. And along with the election, we are hearing the nasty, awful things they say about one another or things they have said or done in the past. They really have gotten out of hand throughout the entire campaign season. From bringing up family members to all out name-calling, this election truly does lack professionalism and integrity. Then you have the citizens of the country. There have been riots, protests, hate-filled debates on social media. This election season has really shown a side of people that I never thought would have existed when remembering the way our country united after the 9-11 attacks fifteen years ago. Our country is showing its division in a way I don't ever remember seeing in my lifetime. This is a country full of diversity. That was always something we were taught made America great. I am a mother. I have two kids, boys, who are so completely different from one another. My oldest, 13, is a very athletic teen. He's into sports, debate, and on the National Junior Honor Society. He's an 'A' student in 8th grade and is a very analytical thinker. He is in all Honors classes. He is also a very generous, caring teen. He gives everyone time, he is patient with people, and has great goals for his future. My youngest, soon to be 11, is in 5th grade. He's a high achiever who has a very creative mind. He thinks outside the box and knows there are more than one or two ways to reach the same conclusion. He is compassionate, loving, and would give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it. He also has ASD. I say he has because we have taught him it doesn't have him. They live in this house peacefully. There may be an argument here and there, but it is never violent. I share this with everyone because I think it's great to remember that we can all live in the same world, same country, without needing to fight or cut each other down. We can have different talents and opinions without reacting negatively and turning on each other. We don't need to turn on each other for having a difference if opinion on topics. There are ways of communicating without resorting to violence and name calling. Our country has always been great. It is time we remember that. Our children, the future of this country, are watching and listening. We need to teach them better than what they have been seeing lately. We need to teach them how to keep America as the great country it should be. Now, I share with you a recent piece of artwork my youngest painted. I have been writing and publishing for just over two years. It wasn't until last summer that my writing "took off". By took off I mean I actually began to see sales or page reads on my Kindle Unlimited books. Now, I am not one of those authors who measures their success by the money they make.
No. I measure my success by how many people I can impact or connect with. Let me explain... When I was a teenager I was in a relationship that was not healthy. The man I was with, if that is what you could call him at the time, was possessive and abusive, both physically and mentally... emotionally too, I will say. He knew just how to hurt me with a look, or a word. Sometimes the silence hurt the most. I did what I could to make him happy, to gain his acceptance, to have a day with him in which I didn't flinch or cower to the side of the truck. Where I could be with him and his friends and not be laughed at because he somehow "put me in my place". No, it wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I had suffered from an eating disorder when I was young, and it spiked its ugly head during this time. I was 16. I went to high school. I used to have friends, a lot of friends. I had a full-time job (35 hours/week) I worked after school or on the weekends. Well, when I was with 'C' I turned away from my family and friends. He was jealous, and to make him happy I cut people out of my life. I cut my hair, because people loved it and showed me attention because of it. He hated that. So, I got rid of it. I lost weight. I was an American size 6. I had too much of a rear end. So, I got rid of it.... thus entered my eating disorder. I lost enough weight to get down to a size 0/2. I lost all part of myself. Who I was. My family and friends. I even dropped out of high school so I could eliminate one more thing that would put space or distance between me and 'C'. I paid his bills. He was never able to hold down a job, so over half of my money went to him each week so he could eat while I was at work. So his truck payment was not late. So he could go out with his other girlfriends... Oh yeah, that's right. Because I wouldn't "sleep" with him, he got it from somewhere else. Actually, he got it from many other people. One of which wrecked his car while he was fondling her... and stupidly (ignorant of his "infidelity" at the time) I paid for the repairs. Yeah... I loved him that much. Then one day I woke up. Somehow, somewhere, my mom's words hit me. My sisters' love hit me. My brother's and my dad's words hit me, and I realized that I was better than that. I was worth more than what I was accepting. I was me. I was a human being who was worthy of friendship, of happiness, of love. And what I was getting, or accepting from 'C' was not friendship. It was not happiness. It was not love. It was humility. It was possession. It was control... I was under his control. So I broke free. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much that I didn't think I was going to survive. He came around, he called, he wrote letters... and I just couldn't anymore. I made a clean break and dealt with the pain and hurt, the anger and denial without him. I was 17 when I did that. I was 17 when I decided that no man was going to do that to me. No person was going to do that to me. No one was going to make me feel like I was not worth something. That I was not of value. That I wasn't good enough. I was 17 when I decided that I didn't want others to feel that way either. I do not want anyone to feel that they have no one, that they are alone, that they are not good enough. No one should ever feel that way. We are all meant to be here. Someone does love each one of us. But, it all starts with us. We must first value ourselves. We must accept us. It is hard to do, for those who suffer from low self-esteem like I do. I fight it every day. But I also survive every day. And so do you. What does my story have to do with writing? Well, my first story, Brielle, has a little... or a huge part of me in it. The main character, Brielle, is attacked (I was, once, as well. Not as violently though). I put all of my pain and experience into her character. I tried to make her coming to terms with her being good enough, of realizing she served a purpose, come across to the readers. My other stories, mostly, are written to help inspire, to make you feel, to give you ideas of things you can do in your relationship to maybe add a little spice. But mostly, I write my ramblings to hopefully let you all know that you are worth something. You mean something to this world. And you are perfect just as you are. The only person you should EVER change for is yourself. First, make YOU happy. Because, one thing I have learned, when you are happy then others will see it and you may just put a smile on their face too. Remember, you are priceless... |
Ashlee Shades
Ashlee loves sharing a piece of her mind - and her heart - in her blog posts. She hopes you enjoy the musing. Archives
February 2020
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