Ah. That word: confidence. It embodies so many things and carries a load of emotions for me. And I know it does for so many others. But, it is not a characteristic that is easy to come by. It is not something many are born with. And why? Why do so many people lack that confidence, or self -esteem? I am someone who suffers from a lack of it. Yeah. I know. I have heard it before, believe me. But, I still can’t help it. And I know I am not alone. Am I? When people look at us, they see one thing but we feel another. They see our hair, and we know the torture we put ourselves through to make it look “just right”. I mean, with all the changing trends — washing your hair every other day, or three times a week, to the shampoo and conditioners to use. And that doesn’t include the products for styling — heat gel, leave-in conditioner, dry shampoo, styling gel, hairspray, etc. While I do not use close to that number, I know all about them. And the tools — straighteners, curling irons, hair dryers, etc. We mustn’t forget those! And now, onto makeup. The hours so many take to look like they aren’t wearing any makeup. The primers, foundations, concealers, powders, highlighters, bronzers, translucent powders, liners, mascaras, lipsticks/lip glosses, shadows, etc. I mean, I could continue on for a while and still not mention everything that could be used to cover beautiful skin so it looks like our “natural” skin. You think I am making this up? I’m not. Gorgeous men and women take hours upon hours to cover themselves up to create a “no makeup” makeup look. Now, I enjoy wearing makeup. I do this because I am far from confident. The people creating these looks and sharing them in videos are stunning without the products, and have the confidence I can only dream of with or without the “stuff”. I wear it to help me feel more comfortable leaving my house. I wear the foundation and concealer, mascara and lip gloss, as a mask. I don’t cake it on, I try to make it look more natural, but I still wear it for that reason. I hide behind a smile. I cover myself up. I close myself off to the world but hope and pray that my personality will allow me to shine and make friends. It has always been that way regardless of what people tell me. No matter the compliments they pay, I still manage to persuade myself into knowing they are only saying those things because they are being nice. And they are. Nice, that is. But, I still don’t believe them. I smile and laugh even when I feel like a loser inside. I talk to everyone even though I am shy. I put on a front, but when I am home, away from the outside world, I struggle with self doubt. I try to make myself believe what I want others to believe about themselves. I try to make myself believe I am worth something, that the world doesn’t dictate if I am beautiful or of value. And I know I am not alone in these feelings of low self-esteem. I know there are others out there who struggle with knowing and feeling they are worth something. There are men and woman out there who, while absolutely gorgeous, don’t feel it. They do not believe it. They do not trust what they hear because what they see of themselves, what they think of themselves is so much louder than what they hear from others. I try to use my social media platforms to inspire people to believe in themselves. I try to share with people a part of myself. I tell them they are beautiful and worth more than they think. I tell them they shouldn’t let the world dictate who they should be, how they should look, or what they should feel. They are beautiful. I believe that. And yes, “actions speak louder than words” and when people treat you with kindness and show you, not just tell you, they think you are a beautiful person, or an intelligent person, or a sweet person, you should believe them and trust them. But it is not always easy. So, I guess that is where the truth lies… People who lack confidence; people who lack self-esteem — they are people who do not trust easily. I should know. I am one of them. And I know I am not alone.
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For those who know me, you know how much I love music and dancing. I love a variety of genres - anything that gets me on my feet and moving. From the time I was a little girl, music has always spoken to me. And I believe one way to express my feelings and the way music touches me is through dancing. It is one of the reasons I loved being a cheerleader when I was in middle school and high school.
But, dancing wasn't always something I have been able to do, which is why I cherish the ability to do so. As a matter of fact, when I was nine-years-old, I was told I would be in a wheelchair before I was a teenager. Imagine the one thing you love with all your heart. The one thing you do, that you have a passion for. Now, imagine being told by a doctor that you would never be able to do it again. How would you feel? Heartbroken? Lost? Empty? Hopeless? Well, I felt those things. I was nine and my doctor told us that within the next few years my bones and muscles in my lower back and legs would begin to weaken to the point I would be wheelchair bound. I remember walking out of the hospital after meeting with the doctor and stopping by the payphone near the exit so my mom, who was distraught, could call my dad. I watched her sob the news into the phone. Then, I remember a calm coming over me as I walked over to her, grabbed her hand, and told her (I remember this word-for-word), "Don't worry, Mom. Between me, you, and God, we can get through this." I had been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. I began a heavy round of medications to help with strengthening - one for my muscles, one filled with calcium for my bones, one for pain because the pain was so bad, and one that was a vitamin. I took almost four pills three times each day. When I was eleven-years-old, I told my mom that the side effects of my medicine were too much. They nauseated me, made me dizzy and tired. She decided to stop the medications. I then began middle school - 6th grade. I loved school. Science and Math were my favorite subjects, along with English. I was placed in AP classes for those subjects and excelled. Near the end of that year, I decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. In my school, the cheerleaders were the dance and cheer team all in one. I attended the meeting, learned the cheer/chant and the dance. We practiced every day after school so we could get them down before tryouts in front of the judges that Friday. Friday came, and even though I was in pain, I stated after school. Before I was called in for my "audition," my mom took me aside (she was always my biggest supporter, fan, and cheerleader), and told me that she was proud of me. She explained that out of all the girls trying out, only 10 would make the team so if I didn't make it, it didn't mean I wasn't good. It just meant that there were others who may be louder than I was and that was okay. I went in, shaking, heart pounding, hands sweating, knees and hips throbbing, and performed my cheer. Then the dance, followed by the mandatory back-handspring, roundoff, and splits. After all the girls tried out, we were called in as a group as they gave the speech about how proud they were of all of us, how great we were, and then they called out the names of the girls who made the team for the following year. My name was called. But none of my friends' names were. I walked out of the room in tears and my mom mistook them for me not making the team. I told her it was because my friends didn't make it with me. But that was okay. I made new friends in those girls on the squad. I tried out the following year, and made it. When I was in 8th grade, I tried out for high school cheerleading, and make the Varsity squad coming in as a Freshman cheerleader. But, the one thing that didn't happen was me ending up in a wheelchair. My muscles didn't weaken. My bones grew stronger. I still had to go back ever few months for appointments with my doctors. I still had to undergo tests to track my progress. I had biopsies for various health-related issues. But, I didn't end up in a wheelchair. I'm still not in one. As a matter-of-fact, those words I spoke to my mom in the hospital that summer day when I was nine-years-old were more true than I knew at the time, because when I was 18-years-old, my doctors told me my body was not showing any signs or symptoms of MD. None at all. I joined the US Navy. I went through Bootcamp, but received an injury that resulted in reconstructive foot surgery on both of my feet and weeks of recovery for each one. I had to learn how to take my time walking again. It took about a year before I was back to "normal." It took another six months before I could get back to the one thing I loved: dancing. I guess the point of this post is that we should never give up hope. We should always move on, keep walking our path regardless of the obstacles that are thrown our way. We may miss out on something great if we give up at the first sign of trouble. I would never have those memories of being a cheerleader if I had lost hope and given up when I was diagnosed. Don't miss out on creating memories. Don't miss out on living your life. Reviews.
Ah, yes. The dreaded, loved, anticipated, confusing review. You’ve noticed them all over Amazon and other major book retailers. You have seen authors asking, begging, you for them. You have read raving reviews and some not so flattering ones. But you probably don’t fully understand the importance of them. Right? I mean, it’s only a review. What’s the big deal? Well, that word ‘only’ doesn’t fit. Because reviews are a HUGE deal! If you are anything like the millions of readers out there, myself included, then you want to get an idea of what a book is about from someone who has actually read the thing, right? I mean, book descriptions only tell you what the author wants you to know. But, as an author myself, I know the descriptions only tell you the best part of the story leaving in your mind just enough of a tease to hopefully entice you to buy the book and read it. You wouldn’t want to do that if the blurb told the entire thing, right? You want to know what other people thought of the book; get an idea of what the characters are like, the storyline, the scenarios, etc. Was the story detailed? Fast-paced? Were the characters fleshed out? Was it edited properly, or were there errors in the grammar that detract from the story? All of those answers are often found in the reviews. But did you know that reviews help the author, too? So, if you have a favorite author you absolutely LOVE, and you think other people NEED to read their work, the best way to do that (or help entice readers) is by leaving a review. Or, if you really didn’t care much, you can do the opposite. It really is up to you. Think of a review as your personal endorsement of the story. In your review you can be as honest as you’d like. Actually, the more honest, the better. Tell people what it is about the story you loved or didn’t care for. Tell them if you enjoyed the length or wanted more. Did you enjoy the author’s writing and would you read more of their work? Well, tell potential readers that. If you, as a guy, test drove a new car that you feel you’d like to buy, you would probably tell your buddies about it, right? Or, if the car was awful; the interior cheaply put together, the shifting of gears too hard, steering too tight, you’d warn your friends away. Or, if you, a woman, found a new store/make-up brand/purse, you would most definitely tell all your girlfriends how much they need them too, right? Or, if you tried a new brand that didn’t work. Either their sizing was terrible, the foundation set into the creases of your face, the purse stitching was coming apart too soon, you’d tell them to stay away. That face-to-face word-of-mouth is your review of the product. The different is that on Amazon or any other retailer, you are able to reach a much larger audience with your opinion. So, let’s get into the why’s and how-to’s, shall we? First, why? Well, because we all love to express our opinions, right? Not only that, but if you are a huge fan of the author then you’d like to see them become successful or stay a success. The more reviews a book has on any major retailer, the better the chances that retailer’s algorithm will recommend that book to their customers. You ever notice the recommended sections when browsing for books? Or on the results page when you search for a specific topic? The most reviewed books usually show up first, guaranteeing that people searching for that topic will see those books. The online book retailers see more people not only reading but also reviewing those books so they must be worth promoting, right? So they think, with the book(s) being popular, that you may also enjoy it. They make sure you see that book. You see the book, check out the reviews, and decide to buy it yourself. Wham! Not only does that author make some money, so does the retailer. You see, the more popular books are the more the retailer stands to make, so they will do what they can to showcase those they feel (or their algorithms decide) are possibly the ones to guarantee business. A great article I found to further explain this is Why Reviews Matter by K.S. Brooks. Secondly, how? It really is simple, trust me. And you can do this all anonymously as well, especially on Amazon since they allow you to create a screen name, so to speak, for your public profile. Mine is A. Shades. Not so anonymous, but you get the idea, right? Anyway, often, when you have reached the end of an ebook, your Kindle may show you a pop-up asking if you would like to review the product on Amazon (some even have the feature where you can link it to Goodreads as well so you kill 2 birds with 1 stone). Well, when that option comes up, you would follow those instructions. Usually it begins with giving it a star rating and then you are prompted to write a review and giving it a title or tag line. The second way would be to go to the product/book page on Amazon manually and at the bottom where it shows the reviews, there is a section that gives you the option to write a review and share your thoughts. Now, don’t get intimidated. It is pretty easy. And you don’t even have to say much, if you choose not to. A short and simple, “Loved the story!” or a, “Didn’t care for the story.” Both work. You let potential readers know your thoughts and you helped the author in the search algorithms. For a more in-depth tutorial on leaving a review and how, I found this article, Reviewing 101 by Big Al helpful. Lastly, by leaving a review, you aid your favorite author in their chances of being accepted by other author promotional platforms such as BookBub. BookBub and others like it, have an incredible following of people who sign up to receive their recommendations. For an author, receiving an email of acceptance is into this “club” is HUGE as they only accept those they feel meet strict guidelines. The following is a snippet from BookBub’s website: “While there is no specific “minimum requirement” for reviews, our editors are generally more likely to select books with higher numbers of authentic and positive customer reviews.” So you see, they may not specify a number, but they do recommend the author have a considerable number of reviews to make the book seem more “authentic”. To give you more of an idea of what BookBub is looking for, you may find this article helpful. Tips on Optimizing Your Submission for a BookBub Featured Deal. I hope you have found my thoughts, ideas, and reasons on reviews helpful. I encourage you to consider leaving a review (always an honest one) for the books you read from now on. As you probably know, Ashlee Shades is a pen name for my work. But behind the name is a very real person – a daughter, sister, wife, mother, and friend. I have goals and dreams. I have emotions and feel deeply. And one of those things I feel deeply about it the awareness of Autism and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Why do I feel so much for this cause, you ask? Because my youngest son has been living with it since he was young, and diagnosed when he was almost 4. You see, if you grew up as I did then you probably have a vision you think of when you think Autism: a person who doesn’t speak and can’t do anything for themselves. But I have to let you know that Autism & ASD go so far beyond what you see. I didn’t know it until my child became one of those statistics. You know, that time when “It will never happen to me” actually does happen? Below, I will share with you my personal story and experience with this well heard of but still little known of “disorder”. I became a mom when I was 22 years old to a beautiful baby boy. As he grew, I celebrated all those milestones as he met them: first word, first step, first time sitting up without assistance. He met them all before the “average” age. He was so very smart and energetic. When he was just over 18 months old I found out I was expecting my second child. My youngest came into this world on a chilly late afternoon in mid October 2005. My youngest son was also meeting all those major milestones, but at a later age than my oldest did but well within what the physicians deemed as the average age range. He said “mama” for the first time on Mother’s Day 2006. Talk about exciting! I was a proud mom of two amazing little boys. (Now, I am a proud mom of two amazing young men). They were and are my life. One day, ‘S’ (my youngest) stopped making eye contact. He was around 2 years old at the time, and no matter how many times I said his name he just wouldn’t look me in the eyes. He would look in my general direction, so I knew he was hearing me, but the eye contact was gone. I overlooked this and brushed it off as par for the course for a two-year-old. Then ‘S’ stopped playing as he used to and instead, he began organizing his toys – usually the little box cars and mega Lego blocks. He would line them up according to size, shape, and color. And don’t you DARE touch it or you would ignite a tantrum like you’d never seen. Later, this organization trickled to his food. He stopped eating foods that had any seasoning other than salt, and even then it was the same thing: chicken with pasta. I had to vary the way the chicken was made, but it was always seasoned the same and the pasta could NEVER have anything other than a bit of butter with salt, or he would not touch it AT ALL. ‘S’ also refused to eat on any plate that was not his green section plate; and he would not use anything other than the matching bowl if he ever ate soup (rarity) and cereal (another rarity). ‘S’, around the age of three, stopped talking in full sentences. By this time, I knew something was going on. Not only did he stopped speaking in sentences, he also covered his ears with loud sounds, ran away from butterflies, and would not go outside if a lawnmower was in use anywhere within hearing. I knew it was time to seek advice from our family doctor who then referred me to a pediatric psychiatrist. After rounds of testing (If your toddler has never had an MRI, let me tell you it is one of the worst things to have to watch as they prep them), there was a diagnosis. Ready for it? Idiopathic Autism Regression. In layman’s terms: Autism without a known cause or explanation that occurs “out of nowhere”. I remember that day in July 2009, driving home with my mom in the front passenger seat and ‘S’ sleeping in his booster seat in the back. I was crying, feeling like I had failed my child. He lost his ability to communicate with me. How long had he been “trapped” within his own mind? How long had he been feeling lost because he couldn’t express his feelings to me like he used to and was therefore assumed to not have them? I was a terrible mother! But that day changed my life for the better. It forced me to open my eyes to a world farther reaching than the small little box I assumed it was – that it WAS for me, until July 13, 2009. That was the day that my mom’s words of “The world isn’t so black and white,” actually hit me. The world is a rainbow. The people in it make up the full picture. Without the variety of personalities then rainbow would not be the vision it truly is. So, with that diagnosis in mind I began my quest for knowledge. You have probably heard the statistics of 1 in 66 will be diagnosed and that boys are more likely to be diagnosed with an ASD than girls. You have probably also heard the controversy over whether science has or has not linked ASD with vaccinations. But what you do not hear of as often, what many forget to realize and understand is that my son isn’t science, he isn’t a statistic, he is a very bright, exceedingly intelligent, passionate, caring young man who loves animals, the world, and art. ‘S’ may not have had the ability to make personal connections and develop friendships when he was younger as many kids do, which excluded him from many play dates, but he was advanced with math, reading, language arts – he was at 4th and 5th grade levels at the end of 1st grade. He may not have played kickball at recess in elementary school, but he wrote short stories and drew pictures that were displayed in galleries and in school shows. He may not have been able to communicate verbally, but he managed to express all of his feelings through art, which speaks to so many on a deeper level than words ever could. ‘S’ hated taking a different route to school. I always had to take the same roads, leave at the same time, and park in the same general area every time I took him to school. ‘S’ did not see the sense in starting in the fresh foods section of the store and working our way to the checkout lanes from there because to him, the food would not stay as fresh according to him, so I changed my shopping routine (which does make more sense, right?). I could stay here for days, weeks, sharing stories with you about how ASD has affected us, how it has changed us, but I won’t. I will, however, share with you a few things: it is not a “life-sentence”. Not ALL people with an ASD will be the same any more than you or I without an ASD are. They will not express themselves in the same, but then again, neither do you or I. They do like patience. They do like acceptance. They do deserve them, just as you or I would like and want and deserve. The day my son received that diagnosis changed our lives, yes. But it was only for the better. Because that was the day that, while we had long road ahead of us with educating ourselves and growing as people, we had our eyes and hearts opened to the bigger picture this world is. And while I have been blessed with many beautiful people in our lives who have helped us in our journey and made it smoother, not everyone is as lucky. Not all cases of ASD are a “high functioning” as my son’s case is. Many parents have a harder struggle, not just in receiving a diagnosis – fighting for theirs - but also in educating themselves with what it means and learning where to go. And while science has done much in the way of finding out possible causes, there is NO CURE for this, yet. There are treatments, however. But in my opinion, a “cure” is not what is needed most. What is needed most is more caring, compassionate, understanding, and patient people who are willing to understand and accept that this world is bigger than they are and not everyone fits in the “normal” or “average” box; and that what society deems as “the way” is NOT the ONLY WAY. The world is a rainbow, people, and I am blessed to be the mother of two children who make up a portion of that beautiful gift from nature. For more information on Autism/ASD and how you can help, please visit AUTISM SPEAKS. When you look at the picture to the left, what do you see? Do you see the white froth of the waves as they crash into the sandy beach? Do you see the beautiful color in the sky as the sun's light graces it? Do you see the vivid blue-green color of the ocean, the waves rippling toward the land? Do you see the light brown color of the sand on the beach lying in wait for the water to make contact? You probably notice all of those things. Our eyes are pretty much trained to see things like that in a picture. From one corner to the next, from side to side, we see the various colors and shapes and details... But we notice only what is on the surface. We don't normally take into consideration the things beneath the surface. We don't think of the sea life, the colors, the treasures that are living just beneath the top surface of the ocean - the things that are not shown in this picture. We are the same with life outside a picture. We see a person - adult or child - and make assumptions about them based on what we see. Their clothes, their hygiene, who they surround themselves with - all those things influence our opinion. Many times our assumptions are wrong. Many times a person who is dressed in scrubby clothing, dirt on their face, and messed up hair has just finished working and is heading home to their hundreds of thousands of dollars in value house. Sometimes that young woman who is eight months pregnant is not a promiscuous teen mom-to-be but rather, she is a victim of rape and is carrying the child to term because she wants to love that baby. There are times the person who is acting grumpy has been up all night long with a sick child and is worried about that child. Each of us is made up of many shades beneath our surface. We are more than the clothes we wear. We are worth more than a surface judgment. There are reasons for everything we do. And there are reasons for what others look like, act like, and the way they speak. You do not have to understand their reasons in order to accept they have them just as there are reasons for your own behavior they do not have to understand in order to accept. We are human beings with feeling, emotions, and thoughts that vary in depth. What one person finds joy in another may feel apprehension - that is okay! So before you make your next judgment about someone based on surface appearance, I challenge you to take a moment to think of what they are hiding "beneath the surface". The world is filled with people who talk before thinking or act without thought of consequence. There are people who honestly, truly believe they are better than others. They accept all praise as if it were their due, commanding it with their actions. They boast of how intelligent they are. They take every chance they get to inform the rest of us lowly people how much better than us they are. They condemn the "dummies" for their lack of perceived intelligence and find humor and joy in cutting others down; belittling people, making them feel they are not worth much. I have been told time and again, not always in words, but in actions and behavior of others, that I am stupid... or dumb. My writing (YES, I am a writer, regardless of the genre in which I write. My friend, R.B. O'Brien wrote a great blog post about the topic of writing, what makes a writer, and the stereotypes erotica authors deal with. You can read it HERE) doesn't always contain large words. I may use the word foe instead of antagonist when describing a character. I say friendly in place of amicable. I say someone is persistent rather than saying they are assiduous. I think you get the picture. Or should I say: I believe you have a precise understanding of the point I am attempting to impress upon you? I do not always read novels. I never completed college (I attended real estate school and became a licensed realtor at the age of twenty). So I do not have a Ph. D. I haven't traveled the world. I have only been to a few countries. Does all that make me ignorant? My I.Q. was tested when I was younger and I was labeled a "genius". I graduated high school early. I was in the Honors Society and was a student ambassador when I was a sophomore in high school. I made the Spelling Bee finals in elementary. I have a love of learning and seek to educate myself in something new every day. Do those things make me intelligent? Let's go based on a brief definition: Intelligent: having or showing intelligence, especially of a high level. Well then, there you go! According to that, I am intelligent. But hold on. Let's look at the other word: Ignorant: lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated. Then it adds this for the word ignorant: lacking knowledge, information, or awareness about something in particular. So, according to part of that "definition", I am ignorant, in a way. And in all honesty, we are all a little bit ignorant because we all lack knowledge of something. Right? So, am I ignorant? Yes. But I am also intelligent. And guess what? You are both, too! So you can come off whatever high horse, or pedestal you may have put yourself on if you go around calling people ignorant, or stupid while showcasing an air of superiority... because you ain't all that. And STOP putting yourself down, thinking too little of yourself, not giving yourself enough credit for what you do know... because you may just be a lot smarter than you knew. Using large words doesn't make you any more intelligent than another person just because it shows you may possibly have the use of a thesaurus... and using simple, easy-to-understand phrases doesn't make you ignorant. It all boils down to knowledge. And in that case, we are all intelligent in many areas just as we are ignorant in others. Be careful who you label, and when. You may just show your intelligence... or ignorance. Turning on the radio, TV, computer, whatever it is you listen to or watch, you really cannot do so without hearing about the Presidential Election for the US. And along with the election, we are hearing the nasty, awful things they say about one another or things they have said or done in the past. They really have gotten out of hand throughout the entire campaign season. From bringing up family members to all out name-calling, this election truly does lack professionalism and integrity. Then you have the citizens of the country. There have been riots, protests, hate-filled debates on social media. This election season has really shown a side of people that I never thought would have existed when remembering the way our country united after the 9-11 attacks fifteen years ago. Our country is showing its division in a way I don't ever remember seeing in my lifetime. This is a country full of diversity. That was always something we were taught made America great. I am a mother. I have two kids, boys, who are so completely different from one another. My oldest, 13, is a very athletic teen. He's into sports, debate, and on the National Junior Honor Society. He's an 'A' student in 8th grade and is a very analytical thinker. He is in all Honors classes. He is also a very generous, caring teen. He gives everyone time, he is patient with people, and has great goals for his future. My youngest, soon to be 11, is in 5th grade. He's a high achiever who has a very creative mind. He thinks outside the box and knows there are more than one or two ways to reach the same conclusion. He is compassionate, loving, and would give anyone the shirt off his back if they needed it. He also has ASD. I say he has because we have taught him it doesn't have him. They live in this house peacefully. There may be an argument here and there, but it is never violent. I share this with everyone because I think it's great to remember that we can all live in the same world, same country, without needing to fight or cut each other down. We can have different talents and opinions without reacting negatively and turning on each other. We don't need to turn on each other for having a difference if opinion on topics. There are ways of communicating without resorting to violence and name calling. Our country has always been great. It is time we remember that. Our children, the future of this country, are watching and listening. We need to teach them better than what they have been seeing lately. We need to teach them how to keep America as the great country it should be. Now, I share with you a recent piece of artwork my youngest painted. I have been writing and publishing for just over two years. It wasn't until last summer that my writing "took off". By took off I mean I actually began to see sales or page reads on my Kindle Unlimited books. Now, I am not one of those authors who measures their success by the money they make.
No. I measure my success by how many people I can impact or connect with. Let me explain... When I was a teenager I was in a relationship that was not healthy. The man I was with, if that is what you could call him at the time, was possessive and abusive, both physically and mentally... emotionally too, I will say. He knew just how to hurt me with a look, or a word. Sometimes the silence hurt the most. I did what I could to make him happy, to gain his acceptance, to have a day with him in which I didn't flinch or cower to the side of the truck. Where I could be with him and his friends and not be laughed at because he somehow "put me in my place". No, it wasn't healthy. I wasn't healthy. I had suffered from an eating disorder when I was young, and it spiked its ugly head during this time. I was 16. I went to high school. I used to have friends, a lot of friends. I had a full-time job (35 hours/week) I worked after school or on the weekends. Well, when I was with 'C' I turned away from my family and friends. He was jealous, and to make him happy I cut people out of my life. I cut my hair, because people loved it and showed me attention because of it. He hated that. So, I got rid of it. I lost weight. I was an American size 6. I had too much of a rear end. So, I got rid of it.... thus entered my eating disorder. I lost enough weight to get down to a size 0/2. I lost all part of myself. Who I was. My family and friends. I even dropped out of high school so I could eliminate one more thing that would put space or distance between me and 'C'. I paid his bills. He was never able to hold down a job, so over half of my money went to him each week so he could eat while I was at work. So his truck payment was not late. So he could go out with his other girlfriends... Oh yeah, that's right. Because I wouldn't "sleep" with him, he got it from somewhere else. Actually, he got it from many other people. One of which wrecked his car while he was fondling her... and stupidly (ignorant of his "infidelity" at the time) I paid for the repairs. Yeah... I loved him that much. Then one day I woke up. Somehow, somewhere, my mom's words hit me. My sisters' love hit me. My brother's and my dad's words hit me, and I realized that I was better than that. I was worth more than what I was accepting. I was me. I was a human being who was worthy of friendship, of happiness, of love. And what I was getting, or accepting from 'C' was not friendship. It was not happiness. It was not love. It was humility. It was possession. It was control... I was under his control. So I broke free. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much that I didn't think I was going to survive. He came around, he called, he wrote letters... and I just couldn't anymore. I made a clean break and dealt with the pain and hurt, the anger and denial without him. I was 17 when I did that. I was 17 when I decided that no man was going to do that to me. No person was going to do that to me. No one was going to make me feel like I was not worth something. That I was not of value. That I wasn't good enough. I was 17 when I decided that I didn't want others to feel that way either. I do not want anyone to feel that they have no one, that they are alone, that they are not good enough. No one should ever feel that way. We are all meant to be here. Someone does love each one of us. But, it all starts with us. We must first value ourselves. We must accept us. It is hard to do, for those who suffer from low self-esteem like I do. I fight it every day. But I also survive every day. And so do you. What does my story have to do with writing? Well, my first story, Brielle, has a little... or a huge part of me in it. The main character, Brielle, is attacked (I was, once, as well. Not as violently though). I put all of my pain and experience into her character. I tried to make her coming to terms with her being good enough, of realizing she served a purpose, come across to the readers. My other stories, mostly, are written to help inspire, to make you feel, to give you ideas of things you can do in your relationship to maybe add a little spice. But mostly, I write my ramblings to hopefully let you all know that you are worth something. You mean something to this world. And you are perfect just as you are. The only person you should EVER change for is yourself. First, make YOU happy. Because, one thing I have learned, when you are happy then others will see it and you may just put a smile on their face too. Remember, you are priceless... I have friends who always go out of their way to help people, to support people, to encourage people. Sometimes they get some of that reciprocated, other times they don't, but they still do it because it is who they are. It is a part of them that they do not want to change.
Then there are my two boys. They are generous, kind, compassionate young men. (Currently, they are ten years old and thirteen years old.) The love people (they take after me ;)), and would go out of their way to do anything for anyone. But, there is just one piece of advice, one thing that I would want them to remember... and you too! Invest yourself wisely! What do I mean? Think of yourself as a bank account... In the beginning of your life, you are full; rich. As you go through life, you withdraw from your account (yourself) and invest in relationships. Sometimes you get a return, when you invest in the right ones. Other times you never receive anything in return. As you go through life, invest your time and energy in the right relationships. They will not leave you empty or drained, but will replenish you, and encourage you. Don't end your journey broke. They say communication is the key to a successful relationship. Whether it be a couple, friends, business... communication is what makes it thrive.
I would have to say that trust is another one, if not the biggest one to have. You can be in business with someone you do not love. You can trust someone based on their actions without communicating with them... but you do not usually love someone wholeheartedly if you do not trust them... you do not usually want to communicate openly with someone you do not trust. Trust is a cornerstone. When people trust you, they are relying on you and your integrity, strength - they have confidence in you. They place their hope in you, "trusting" you will not hurt them or lead them wrong. It takes time to build that trust. It takes effort, and requires proof - a history of being able to be relied on.Teacher/student, spouses, friends, partnerships - they all require a foundation of trust so they can thrive and grow. But trust is a very fragile thing. It can be broken in the blink of an eye. In a relationship, if a woman/man slips once, it will take years, if not forever, to prove they are trustworthy again. Sometimes, trust can be shattered to a point it can never be present again, period. Yeah, you may still talk, you may still be "friends", but nothing will ever be the same again. Breaking trust hurts. When people tell you something and then you go behind their back and spread gossip - that hurts. When you promise one thing and then go back on your word - that will destroy trust. When you cheat on someone, or cheat them out of something? Yup... trust is gone. We are all guilty of either misplacing our trust, or of breaking our word to someone and putting a block on that trust - if not guilty of both. I just wanted to share this with you all to encourage you to: Trust wisely. Not everyone is worthy of it. Make them prove their integrity before placing your hope in them. Misplaced trust only leads to pain and heartache. Hold dear those who truly place their trust in you. They will be the ones to lift you up, but once you break that trust, you may fall...don't wait until it is too late to realize that the person whose trust you broke is the one person you need. THINK before you risk shattering that "bridge of trust" Don't do anything that would damage trust you have worked to build. Every action, every word, ends with a result. Make sure the actions you take, the words you speak, are going to get you to the end result you are hoping for. Trust wisely! We follow their advice and try to do exactly what they are doing. Follow their guide and you could see success like they have.
We stop being who we are, and we try to become more like "them". But, it doesn't always work. We don't have their life and we don't have their schedule. We don't have their finances, their time, etc. So, it may not work, and then we get disappointed and feel like giving up because we haven't reached THEIR goals for US! The truth is, we just can't be them. We will never be them, and no one will ever accept YOU for being THEM. There is already a spot in the world for "them" and they have filled it. It is not vacant, it is not empty and up for grabs... so you know what? Stop trying to be them Start being YOU! There is a spot in this world for YOU, and you are the only one who can fill it. No one else can be you the way you can. And remember: You are a "them" to someone else. There is someone out there trying to be just like you. So, stop trying to make them think that being YOU is bad... being YOU is the only thing you will ever do perfectly in your life. So, go out there into the world and be YOU! Accept yourself for being YOU and not being them. You are a perfect you. I was on my way to a party over the weekend and had my two sons in the car with me. I love listening to the radio whenever I am in the car, and often times you will find me singing along with the song. (Whether I know the words or sing in tune, lol).
Well, scanning through the stations, I came across a song. It is probably not new to many, but it is the first time I had heard this song. The lyrics of it are inspirational and motivational... The song? "DO SOMETHING!" by Matthew West There are so many terrible things going on in the world. Pain, suffering, wars, terrorism, political debates, racism, religious persecution, people tearing one another down. Each day I watch the news with a sickness in my stomach and a heaviness in my heart. Another stabbing; another bombing; another shooting; sex slaves being sold; men, women, children being tortured; innocents killed for political or religious reasons. Many of us sit around complaining. We sit in our comfortable homes, behind computer screens, and attack one another for differences of opinion on many subjects. We do our best to have the last word in arguments. We are proud of ourselves when we make our point, never mind the person at the other end of the argument who was hurt by words that may have been said. Never mind that they have a personal reason for feeling the way they do, and you know nothing about their reasons. No matter your religion, if you have one or not. No matter your political association. No matter your country. No matter your wealth, or absence of it. No matter what side of a debate you are on... at the end of the day we are all human beings. We all live on this planet. We all use its resources. We can sit back and ask, "If there was a God, why does He allow this?..." Or, we say, "There is no God. You are all doing this to yourselves..." We can ask all the questions, make all the statements we want, but at the end of the day this is our world. And we could all put our words, our actions to better use than these fights and arguments. We could do so many great things. We, as a human race, are so much greater than the negativity that has been reported daily on the news. There needs to come a time when we stop complaining; we stop making excuses and stop pointing the finger; a time when we decide we are going to DO SOMETHING. So, I share this with you, not for any religious purpose, no other agenda other than to help stress my point that there are many things in this world that are more important than pen names, number of friends, or political associations... I challenge each of you to get out there and do something! Each and every action, small or great, can make an impact on another person. Make your words, your actions count for something great. So a while back i wrote a book a really long book about 45000 words. long which is long for me since the majority of my, books are only arounf 20000 words
i was prowd of my Book that i worked so hard on i self published my book and was so excited when i got my first sale and then my next follow by the next then i got an email from a reader who loved my book and thought. it was hot and Steamy then not long after that i got a review that criticizd my grammer and editing i was. offended because i lloved my book so Much and worked hard on it and thought they did not. know what they were. talking, about that was too years ago and i have published severil boocks since then and have lerned so much i recently spent hours and hours editing the first book i ever. published so i could republish the book under my new pen name. man my editing and writing were BAD really bad. and one of the things i lerned was that editing is very importint to the success of a book. good editing Helps the reader read the book more fluidly it helps the reader know the feelings and emotions of the character it allows the reader to escape into a world completely Different to the one they are living in so One thing i would urge all Wryters to do is to make sure you edit or have your book edited i am far from perfect and still amke so many mystakes but i no longer get offended by comments on my grammer i use them to make my writing better. ***Gotcha! ;)*** |
Ashlee Shades
Ashlee loves sharing a piece of her mind - and her heart - in her blog posts. She hopes you enjoy the musing. Archives
February 2020
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